Hey Kids, there’s a meme running around FB and I stand helpless against its seductive powers. “LA? Darling LA, won’t you pleeeeeease talk about yourself by answering questions you’ve answered many times before? You know you want to. Memes are the cocktail party small talk of the internet and you, oh loquacious one, are the queen of fluffy chitchat. Do the meme, LA, doooo it.”
Okay, meme, you talked me into it.
ARE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE? Nope. My younger sister, however, was named after our maternal grandmother. When I realized this I objected. The favoritism already ran thick and smothering over everything and my mother’s hastily gabbled offering that my own name was meant to be a hip modern version of my paternal grandmother’s name was complete bullshit and we both knew it. Even at 5 my BS meter was lethally accurate. I retreated to my cupboard under the stairs and brooded about this until the next outrageous blast of favoritism knocked me over again. If I remember the timeline correctly not long afterward Gidget and I were presented with our first two wheelers. Gidget’s a shiny new one with handlebar streamers and a squeezy horn and mine was a dented slightly rusty thing bought at the neighbor’s garage sale. No. I am NOT kidding.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Wait, I stopped crying? When? Are you sure?
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not any more. It was okay-ish prior to getting a computer, but since? Gibberish. I can’t even PRINT without it looking messy. Filling in forms is hard, y’all.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Bologna. The nice kind from the deli, not that gritty shit from Oscar Meyer.
DO YOU HAVE ANY KIDS? Why, yes, yes I do. With a teaspoon’s worth of contribution from the ex I have produced two brand new human beings.
IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF? Absolutely not! I tell Mick all the time I don’t understand how he puts up with me. Seriously. If I had to live with me I’d go nuts. Smug, know-it-all who always has to have the last word. Yeesh.
DO YOU USE SARCASM? Not a whole lot. I’m more of an absurdist. Also try not to dish what I can’t take and sarcasm hurts my feelings.
DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes, all original equipment sans three wisdom teeth. I do have an interesting assortment of scars though. Including a big lumpy one on the roof of my mouth that I got from a curtain rod. Really. That’s just too weird to make up.
WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Nope. Nor sky dive, zip line, or walk out on those glass boxes and bridges that seem to be cropping up everywhere. Zero desire to stand on a piece of glass 90 storeys above Chicago. I am acrophobic and I am fat. Either alone is bad enough, together? Fugeddaboudit. British friends, you never have to worry about having to take me on the London Eye, I’m all good with a walking tour and maybe a double-decker bus ride.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Rice Krispies. Simple. Nostalgic. Doesn’t rip up the inside of my mouth like Cap’n Crunch does.
DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Are you kidding? Did you miss the thing about me being fat? Fat people wear slip-ons.
DO YOU THINK YOU’RE STRONG? People tell me I am all the time. Both in the good way and the pejorative. I get kudos for dealing with some heavy life burdens. I also get a lot of quack about having a VERY STRONG PERSONALITY. When I was younger I had many strong opinions about things. Nowadays I’m pretty bendy. I cut people a lot, a lot of slack. Unless you’re mean. Then you’re instantly dead to me. Done. Over. Finito.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Schwan’s Raspberry Rumble. Oy, heaven. Cherry Garcia is a close second.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their energy signature. Flaky people call this an ‘aura’. To me it’s a Sherlock thing of noticing details, body language, what kind of wattage someone’s pumping out, and how they position themselves in the room. This comes from me being a healer, a nosy person, and a drunk’s kid. When you grow up under the volatile irrational rule of a drunk you learn to read people FAST. You need to know instantly if this person is going to put a hurt on you.
WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? I don’t ever give myself enough credit. I am plagued with undervaluing everything I do and consequently feel like a failure. All the time. Even in a room crowded with people who love me and credit me with helping them/teaching them/amusing them and the tables could be piled with all the cool art I’ve made and the funny oddities I collect and a veritable feast I’d turned out from very simple foodstuffs I will still know in my heart I’m no great shakes. Still a loser and that I totally need to try harder.
WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? No trousers. No shoes. My lovely costume is a knee-length tee-shirt: it’s grey with pink piping, and beneath I have on a pair of black underpants with pink and white polka-dots. It’s Casual Thursday here at Casa Sage.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A few off-brand grape Tootsie Rolls. Mick brings them home from the gym. I like them when they’re still warm from his pocket and are all squishy.
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? As much nothing as possible. My headache is wicked today. So I have the Bose on (they are not complete noise canceling ones but they help) and the window unit is droning its whooshy white noise.
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Brick red. It’s a deep, sturdy color. Not flashy but quite lovely in its own way.
FAVORITE SMELL? It’s a tie between cinnamon and old books.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Neurologist’s appointment booker. I can’t remember her name but she has a beta fish on her desk, its name is Gamma.
FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Competitive ballroom dancing. That and cheerleading. The national spelling bee is good too.
HAIR COLOR THATS REAL? Currently mine is uncolored. As far as hair colors that occur naturally on other people? Silver grey. Last episode of NCIS I watched Jamie Lee Curtis was making out with Mark Harmon and I about died of gorgeous hair overload.
EYE COLOR? Mine are green but not startlingly so. Fave on other people? Green but a brighter lighter shade than my own. Sebastian’s are a fabulous sea green/pearly grey. Awesome.
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, but have in the past. Not well or comfortably but I had them. I wear too much eye makeup for contacts to be easy. Also nowadays I have naked face when my glasses are off. Sans specs my face looks wrong, even to me.
FAVORITE FOOD? Gosh. This always comes down to potatoes or bread. That’s where I get stuck. Probably potatoes as they are more versatile and can be grown without seeds. And you can make vodka with them. But life without bread is a grim prospect indeed.
SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Bwahahahaha! Need you ask? My favorite sentence is: And they lived happily ever after.
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? ‘Sweet Bean’ A beautiful quiet little import from Japan. Currently on Netflix. If you enjoy movies that are more character studies than plot driven and don’t mind subtitles I think you will like this one. I liked it a lot.
WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? This was covered earlier.
SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter, winter, a thousand times winter.
HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs. I am a champion hugger. Plus as a former smoker I am always paranoid about how my mouth tastes and what my breath is like. But hugs? I was built to hug.
WHAT BOOK(S) ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? ‘Finder’ by Emma Bull. ‘Insomnia’ by Stephen King. ‘The Dovekeepers’ by Alice Hoffman. ‘Women’s Choices in Natural Healing’ by Adriane Fugh-Berman MD
WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES? I never know how to answer this. To me a hobby is a pursuit which requires skill/travel/money/a special place in your house. Birding is a hobby. Coin collecting. Crafting. I read, watch movies, fuck around on the internet, play a few video games, and I learn stuff. Randomly. Without direction or even intention. I just like finding things out. I can hardly call being curious a hobby.
WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A black Volkswagen. Looks to be a Newbie circa 1999. There’s also a big smear of pink nail polish. Ooops.
WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST? ‘Planet Earth’ on BBC America. It was about an orca who’s taught herself to make waves that wash the seals off the ice floes. Clever.
FAVORITE SOUND? Water. All kinds. Except dripping faucets.
ROLLING STONES or BEATLES? The Beatles were like some fantastically wonderful freak of nature. A happy earthquake, maybe, that came in, shook up and changed everything and then was gone. The Beatles happened and then they were over and ever since the rivers run in all crazy directions in their new courses and the horizon is strange and fantastic with new mountains and valleys to explore. But the Stones? The Rolling Stones are Life. They’re here year after year, growing and evolving. Sometimes in great gaudy bursts and others like how clock hands move- you don’t see them do it but then you look up and it’s later and supper is on the table. A new album is out and you can’t help but love the new stuff even though it’s not much like the old stuff. I adore and honor the Beatles, but the Stones are a mural painted the entire length of my life’s corridor.
WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE TRAVELED? In one go? That would be the summer on the road in the little green bus. Over 11,000 miles. Epic road trip. The greatest distance from home? The Olympic Peninsula. I assumed it was Cancun, but that’s 1,560 miles by air and the Olympic Peninsula is 2,400 as the crow flies. Who knew?
DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I have a really good ear for music parody like Weird Al. Quite knacky at fitting new lyrics to established songs and making it funny.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Ramapo, NY. In a hospital that got torn down not long after. Heh. They should have sealed the hellmouth when they had the chance, but too late! I’m here!
BATMAN or SUPERMAN? Batman is a creepy vigilante who if he wasn’t wildly wealthy would be locked up somewhere. And Superman is an illegal alien. Plus Superman was sent to Earth to help everybody not just Americans. If I could do what he can I’d be wiping out the bastards who run child militias, sweat shops, the polluters, Monsanto, exploiters of the sick and the poor all over the whole planet. I’d be putting things to rights like I have in my Sim world. And when the big pharma assholes and the fricken Illuminati and whoever else actually runs this lopsided shitshow march up to complain I’d be like, “Yeah? Just try me. I’m Superman, bitches.”
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? Blue-no! [he is also thrown over the edge] YEELLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!
WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER? Match.com, baby. Believe the ads. More dates. More marriages. Worked for me!
DOGS or CATS? As I have not eaten either I really can’t say. I think dogs would be better for stews while cats are very flexible and stretchy so I bet you could make decent cat calamari from them.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MEMORY? When I was 11 I got a basketball for my birthday. That spring I used to take it to the school playground and practice. The joy of discovering I could do a layup from either side of the net and could sink a one-handed jumper from mid-court was overwhelming. I was so proud!
WHERE ALL HAVE YOU LIVED? Mostly on my backside with a book in my hand.
CAN YOU PLAY AN INSTRUMENT? I play a pretty fair kazoo. And can knock out ‘Happy Birthday’ and ‘I’ll Be Home For Christmas’ on the chord organ.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUALITY IN YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER? His willingness to listen, learn, and grow. He’s so brave! I wish I were more like that.
This is actually only 49. In looking at the source material I see she skipped over question 15. No matter.
This is a chord organ, btw. In case you’ve never seen one.
Off in search of companionship and dinner, ~LA